Sunday, January 31, 2010

Spilled Dreams

There were cryings, every time the wheels shrieked in. The sound seeped through the door, kept ajar for that someone to enter with permission. The cryings were timely, scheduled at the interval of a couple of hours. I peeped through the holes on the curtain to check if it was our turn. A few more doors before the inevitable.

A faint voice of authority could be heard in between screams and shouts. Sometimes you are forced to be cruel to be kind. We understood that. But the little ones didn't. A prick would seem like a stab to the heart, ours and worse still theirs. It's too painful to watch, too agonizing to experience.

The temperature dropped drastically when night came. I wrapped the both of us in a sleeping bag, thick enough to repel the coldness of the desolated. The tv kept us company, sustained our sanity and entertained us with endless movies we needed catching up to. The tears in my eyes trickled mercilessly but I wasn't crying, I was just yawning endlessly due to exhaustion. As I was just about to allow these eyes to rest, it was then, the inevitable happened. The spooky sound of the wheels accompanied the presence of the unwelcome. With much struggle, we wrestled to induce aversion to the perpetrators. Our repugnance however, resulted in stronger actions which saw us deflecting every single attack with much gust. I remembered being constantly tugged by the hand when I was trying to shield my son. The tugging lasted only for awhile though, until I was brought back to my senses. Until I was awakened by the nurse with a syringe in her hand.

It was our turn. And the crying began.

Thank you so so much Liza!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Starry Starry Night

In a fast forward mode, I walked past my sugarpaste counter only to be in an assembly with a cast of new characters. I turned to see the remnants of my fondant, tightly wrapped, impervious even to ant attacks. It has been exactly 2 weeks now since my last withdrawal to anything fondant. I just stopped baking art. The kids' bread and butter were totally dependent on this new project... wary of uncertainties, I cringed in agreement. I just had to do it, to know what I am capable of. Selling myself short has been the prime trade of my business nowadays, a feeble excuse to move forward whilst the head refuses to look in the same direction.

In this hole I create, in this hollow I colour, on the refrigerator I draw, on these walls I paint and on these pages I doodle. If you have snugged into this burrow of mine you would have been the few guests to feast on my queer art...and you would know that I have always given my all, every little thing that I've got.

Van Gogh was never alone after all.

It's a starry starry night,

...every night.

Will introduce new family members soon.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Just Haven't Met You Yet!

Here are my kids saying... "Thank you!"

It's enriching, life is...truly. At times when moments seize you in depressions but all too abruptly it deftly captures your elation at a twinkle of a child's eye. The frailties of your emotions is often consolidated by words and gestures that moved you, by people who responded to you, by friends who reached out to you. Beautiful people near and far waltzed to your cause, smiled to your request and nodded to your wrought expectations with sturdy support sent via dua's and well wishes. I am feeling it now and it has sprouted a garden in my heart.

The beauty of the Internet is you get to meet beautiful people with precious hearts. Although I haven't been given the opportunity to grace their presence personally, it feels somehow, as if, I have met them. These are the people who make my day when the day doesn't want to be made, the same people who move my limbs when these limbs do not wish to be moved. And right now thanks to you, you and you, yes YOU! I am all feeling all rosy and better. A special thanks to YOU Muna for the donation all the way from Denmark! I skipped my way back from the mail box the moment I saw the Denmark stamp. I would love to meet you one day Muna!

Another one of my days was made when an old friend took time to see me. We haven't seen each other more than a dozen of years and to see her that day made up for all the lost time. It was the same eyes, the cheery pair which I last saw when we parted and the same ones that greeted me the other day. Nothing's changed. Her eyes still glow as only Ida's eyes can glow.

And to all who have banked in your sincere contributions to the Tabung Surau, without notifying me, I wish to extend my ever lasting gratitude to each and everyone of you special people. I am greatly humbled by your time and gesture. Thank you thank you, thank you, thank you for the flowers growing in my heart.

Thanks for the order Am! Am is the brother to the bride, the sweetest guy you will ever meet. A mother in law's dream anak menantu. But sorry gals, he is taken!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Sometimes When We Are Touched

Thanks a bunch Khairina!

My spirit was wearing thin one day and with the fading smile on my face I delivered the cake above to this lovely recipient. She was someone who I have never met or brushed shoulders with but every time she made contact with me, I could feel the warmth in her words. I am that sort of a person, I delve into words, analyze the discourse and reply in a manner that suits well with my customers. I don't believe in template answers or forms, every reply should be special or at least,different. Khairina, I believe is someone simple in her virtues. She relates briefly of how the cake should be like and leaves the rest to me. It's refreshing to correspond with someone of her like, a delight to me always.

As I relinquished the cake to her, she passed me a paper bag with items brought back from Tanah Suci Mekah. She has just returned from her Hajj, from a sacred place that has bestowed upon her that glow on her face. As we exchanged the items we thanked each other before both of us made our exit. I never took that second look inside the paper bag for I thought I knew among other things the predictable content. I knew there would surely be dates, and the usual barang2 Mekah. However, a second glance glued my eyes to the protruding envelope, so visible from my driver's seat. Hastily I grabbed it and quickly dialed Khairina's number for fear that she might have accidentally inserted the envelope there. In between dialing and unearthing the inside of the envelope, I fell into a catatonic state the moment I saw the amount on the cheque slip. Bemused, I alerted Khairina who was already on the other line answering my urgent phone call. I was so convinced that she might have dropped the envelope there, it was then when she reassured me with,

"...wiz, the money is for the surau."

Di tika dan saat itu, berlinanglah air mata saya tanpa kawalan, terharu dengan kebaikan dan keperihatinan hamba Allah ini.

It was an awaited jolt to my spirit, the faint smile turned into a longer lasting one since I couldn't wait to show the cheque to my husband and to share the news with the rest of the AJK surau. It felt as if the surau has successfully been built even though we are still far from the budgeted amount. It's not just a number on the cheque, it's the realization that we haven't run out of good people out there and the hope to hope. It's also that feeling of promise, trust and friendship, the silaturrahim.

A big thank you to Khairina and husband for this magnanimous donation and also to all who have donated via my muffs and cakes, always tipping extra for the sake of the Tabung surau. I can't thank you enough for your generosity. Only the best of dua's I have for you and wishing you the best of everything this life could offer.

I will try to thrive on this feeling, keeping it for as long as I could especially when the weather gets little bit gusty at times. It will be in the collection of my marbles, kept alongside with the other treasured trinkets. It's a place I go to, under pillows of cushions, a place I would be amongst all of my favourite things.

Thank you so much Adilah! And also thank you for naming me your family baker, so shweeeet of you!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

In The Still

I haven't been a good company lately, awake only to force myself to keep the cash flowing in so we could have food on our table and petrol in our car. It's been almost two weeks now, lungs constantly gurgling with thick liquid of filth waiting for me to ignite the coughing engine. Once started, only the vibration could be felt and heard, the machine stays stationary. I have started my second round of antibiotics and hopefully it will act like a magic lubricant clearing out the residues soon.

While I sit quietly behind my work station, moulding little figurines which would star in their own show soon, thoughts of my incompetency bug me. I reckon this happens everytime I could not execute what I visualize onto the product. My mind would question why am I doing all these in the first place, begging me to surrender the project altogether. Questions like " this what I really want to do?" "...where am I going with this?" "...what am I trying to prove?" "...should I explore something else?" Heavy breathing follows suit, fingers still in motion, emotion in commotion, head in hanging position stretching the veins that have twisted into a knot. The water from the loose tap beside me drops melodiously as if tagging the rhythm in my mind. I could actually ink a melody from the tapping but thank goodness I know not how to write music, if not I would have probably jumped into that also. Like they say "an idle mind is a devils workshop",with ayatul kursi I tried to expel them, rid the uncertainties and abandon the insecurities. I have resigned to the idea of being "Jack of many traits but master of none" at least I am doing something, a consolation to my unruly thoughts.

As I completed my second figurine for the day, silence left through the front door. The sound of my son announcing his arrival from school filled the air, breaking the deafening stillness of the moment. The work stops instantaneously then and automatically another job resumes for the day. Sapphire, faded jeans, wake me up from this dream.

Thank you so much Wong!

A set of cupcakes designed to resemble the silent movie. Hope your girlfriend accepts your apology.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Now And Forever

Thank you so much Natasha.