It wasn't a complicated plan nor was it an intricate idea to understand. It was plain simple and straight forward. I had to relent...again to let go. Little voices have been ringing in my head asking for permission to spend the holidays elsewhere on their own without me for a week or so. These little voices have promised to behave, to be good with their cousins, never are to fight or quarrel at any given day. They even packed their own bags without any parental guidance on what to bring, solid in their intentions of making it on their own, living their hopes to spend the holidays with their grandparents. This would be the first of the firsts. I have never been away from my son ever since he was born, hence the apprehension.
The morning after before the departure they lined up their bags in a row for mama's inspection. My heart just sank when I discovered some of the must have items in their respective bags. Apart from the toiletries, cards, toys and books there were photo frames of our pictures tucked amongst all of the above. On the side pockets were my pyjama pants, one each for them to sleep with at night. The clothes were nicely paired together, the undies folded in a fist just like I do them. I chocked for a while, not out of overwhelming emotions but out of guilt. Initially, the bags which I was about to seize came with my ill thoughts of them not meeting with the requirements. I readied myself to be angered with the stashed up bajus, the missing pair of pyjamas, the absent of their toothbrushes, the inappropriate folding of their clothes. Instead all I could find was the opposite of what I had pictured in mind. Everything was in place, in order. The only thing unruly that day was my heart.
I wasn't ready to see them off, even for just a little while at my own parents' house. Call me over protective, paranoid, emotional, call me anything, I am indeed all those. Perhaps, I was afraid of me missing them more than they would me. Perhaps it is me who needs them more than they need me.
It has been 2 days now, yes, just two days of complete silence in this house. A resounding conclusion has rung in this head of mine. That is my strength derives from them, roots from their mere presence. I am at the moment, weak.
Till next week, I am totally dependent on the energy left in their pillows. For now, that's my ration, my only source.
My little girl no more. She's all grown up now with the recent class award she received at her school. Proud of you Iman!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Posted by Wiz at 5:36 PM