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Monday, November 17, 2008

"Sleeping" Thru My Fingers


It wasn't a complicated plan nor was it an intricate idea to understand. It was plain simple and straight forward. I had to relent...again to let go. Little voices have been ringing in my head asking for permission to spend the holidays elsewhere on their own without me for a week or so. These little voices have promised to behave, to be good with their cousins, never are to fight or quarrel at any given day. They even packed their own bags without any parental guidance on what to bring, solid in their intentions of making it on their own, living their hopes to spend the holidays with their grandparents. This would be the first of the firsts. I have never been away from my son ever since he was born, hence the apprehension.

The morning after before the departure they lined up their bags in a row for mama's inspection. My heart just sank when I discovered some of the must have items in their respective bags. Apart from the toiletries, cards, toys and books there were photo frames of our pictures tucked amongst all of the above. On the side pockets were my pyjama pants, one each for them to sleep with at night. The clothes were nicely paired together, the undies folded in a fist just like I do them. I chocked for a while, not out of overwhelming emotions but out of guilt. Initially, the bags which I was about to seize came with my ill thoughts of them not meeting with the requirements. I readied myself to be angered with the stashed up bajus, the missing pair of pyjamas, the absent of their toothbrushes, the inappropriate folding of their clothes. Instead all I could find was the opposite of what I had pictured in mind. Everything was in place, in order. The only thing unruly that day was my heart.

I wasn't ready to see them off, even for just a little while at my own parents' house. Call me over protective, paranoid, emotional, call me anything, I am indeed all those. Perhaps, I was afraid of me missing them more than they would me. Perhaps it is me who needs them more than they need me.

It has been 2 days now, yes, just two days of complete silence in this house. A resounding conclusion has rung in this head of mine. That is my strength derives from them, roots from their mere presence. I am at the moment, weak.

Till next week, I am totally dependent on the energy left in their pillows. For now, that's my ration, my only source.

My little girl no more. She's all grown up now with the recent class award she received at her school. Proud of you Iman!

16 treats:

domestic engineer said...

Thank God you did the inspection Wiz. If not, ada pula yg pakai pyjama without the pants nanti...ha ha. That's the cutest thing they did! Tu la sometimes we parents tend to underestimate what the kids are capabale of.

I understand how you feel. Orang tua2 kata...sayangkan anak tangan-tangankan. But to you, sayangkan anak kena belajar tinggal-tinggalkan k. For the sake of your future, need to sacrifice just for a short while.

myheartbleeds said...

wizzy!! seeee... you have trained your kids very very well (so no need to bake less cake, ok?? :-D)... ahhh... who wouldn't be proud of them?? I AM!!

got mommy & daddy's wedding photo in their bag somemore.... awwwww (btw, mommy looks gorgeous!!)

p/s: czip lee tu kedai apa? hehe... it's nice of them to sponsor the voucher... my girls' school gave out MPH vouchers (which I think came from parents' donation which they collect every week!! sigh)

domestic engineer said...

Forgot to say this earlier...congratulations Iman for making your mom and dad proud of you! Keep up the good work k. Take care when you're at your kampung. Don't worry about your mom. Auntie akan jenguk-jenguk mama selalu through this cyber house. :)

ms hart said...

Wiiiiiiz!!! I'm choking too...!!! That's us, huh, always thinking that the kids NEED us to do everything for them..little did we know..! Your gems are indeed soooo sweet, soooo YOU!! Hugs! (emo lah I pepagi ni Wiz!!)

uya ahmad said...

alahai...sedihnye cerita...
teacher, it's only a week.
yeah, i've been thru all that when i was eight... i was in kampung with my nenek and atuk..my parents were at home...until one day, i jatuh in the sawah, my dad came to fetch me home cz i's caught with heavy fever after the incident..
hohoho...

anyway, chaiyok teacher!!!4 days left...huhuhu....

Wiz said...

Ziela - Ye, jenguk2 la saya kat sini, he he he. Sambil jenguk tu jgn lupa bwk puding jagung and cake batik.

MHB - DId you use a magnifying glass to look at all the pictures? I thot mcm jauh tak nampak dah. Sampai Czip Lee pun you nampak!!! Oh it's a big bookshop by the way. Kalah MPH k!!!!!

Oh gambar kahwin tu is more than 10 years old k. It means I may not look like that and furthermore with make up, anyone can look goooood.

Hart - Sowee for making you emo plaks pagi2 ni. Yes, they still need me to do things for them, it is just this time that they did on their own since they were so adamant to go. Boleh pun buat kalau nak. like they say kalau nak seribu daya kan?

My son yang kena call me everyday(abis la Aki dia kena bayar bill byk bulan ni) to reassure me with "ma, don't worry k, I love you everyday." Lagi la lemah I.

Uya - Jatuh sampai demam? Ish2 memang naughty tul la awak ni. Kat sana jgn jatuh2 tau, coz it would be too expensive for your father to come and get you home, he he he

uya ahmad said...

huhuhu..teacher dun worry...
it wont cost much..
cz, my brother got free tickets from MAS everyyear to go around the world...
huhuhu..he did save the tickets...
hahahaha...(nada evil)

Imeirda said...

Wiz,
It is hard 'letting go' kan. Though u know they are in good hands of the grandparents. Macam dulu-dulu, cuti sekolah mesti balik kampung... love the event! Well time for u n Azam, honeymooning balik hehehe kot2 Iman nanti dapat adik baru.

BTW - Congratulations Iman! Everyone is proud of u.

Ahau - Dee said...

aduh cian nyer kena tinggal ... he he he :)

anyway, this is just the beginning, belum sampai masa dia org dah ada buah hati pengarang jantung masing2 ... ha ha ha ... sajer nak usik : )

Min said...

Hi, hope you're not missing them too much.. moms are like that ! Adat la tu. But for me, it's not that tough, I kinda miss my daughter after a few days only. hehehe.. take care Wiz.

Anis Zainal-Pacleb said...

owh wiz! i tak tau la whether i can let areya go to her grandparents for holidays....(my in-laws dah hint-hint that they'd love to hv areya during school holiay when she's 5-6yo) she's been with me since day 1 and we're never apart.... maybe...yeah..just maybe i need her more than she needs me.... but sooner or later we still need to let them go and since that's still a long way to go, i'll cherish each and every second that i can hv wif her.....

wiz, u've taught ur children well... just look at iman....wow! a second place in her class...convent school lagi! i pun tumpang bangga for you wiz....

mº¿ºsh, brecht and nora said...

dearest wiz, our heartiest congrats to Iman on her class award! U must be so proud to hv such a gorgeous and genious daughter ; ) Ni ikut cam mak dia lah kan!? heheheh I also applaud u on being so brave to let your precious little ones go. I think i would cry buckets right after they leave but at least as a parent we hv to learnt how to do that the hard way..... But i hope u had some "you" time whilst they r out having fun ; ) kalau tak dapat "you" time, dapat you and hubby time pun jadilah. Snowy hugs for now from belgium

huraz said...

Hi wiz... letting go is difficult. I've been through it. Just say to myself that one they i have to let go. So, this is good practice. Congrates to your girl...

DaNaSh said...

wiz..I experienced it once too with Iman... I couldn't sleep through out the night..2 malam aje..buat it was difficult..and selfishly I was feeling miserable because he was enjoying himself with his cousins.

Congrats to your Iman too......Soory lambat...but then better late than neverkan ...he..he..he

Wiz said...

Uya - Ask your bro to save a ticket for me to go visit you one day k, eerrm make it 4 tickets!

Jeda - Honeymooning apanya! He was not around! But I used up all the minutes of the days finishing up orders in record time since there were no distractions.

Dee - Buah hati pengarang jantung? I do not want to think of that yet. I'll cross the bridge when I get there he he he.

Min - but still you do miss her! You just don't realize it until when you accidently wanted to call her to ask fetch something and she's not there kan? he he he.

Anis - Thanks so much for the sweet comment. You will feel worse when she seems not to miss you as much as you miss her. When she's bigger that is and has more friends and thinks friends are cool!

Mush - Ala Mush, you ni lebih2 plak. YOu would not just cry buckets, but bath tubs kkkkkkk! There will be a time when you have to let go, and when that time comes, I'm sure you will be ready if not teary.

Huraz - Yes letting go is difficult but inevitable kan.

Danash - Feeling selfish eh? That's too familiar with me. Thought I was the only one.

Sara said...

Congrats Iman.