Saturday, January 12, 2008

Yes, No, Maybe, I Don't Know

"Are you happy working from home, really, tell me" queried a friend. She was baffled to why I had quit my job and living the role of a busy mother. "Aren't you worried about the future, the uncertainties of life without that monthly paycheck?" I didn't have answers for that neither do I know what life holds for me. But what I know is when I get up in the morning I am happy! I need not put on fancy office attires and trudge to the office with that fake smile planted on my face. I was in the teaching line and I love teaching with all my heart but that was it. My heart wasn't at the office anymore, it was at home. Now, I am released from all the pressure of the 9 to 5 sometimes 9 to 9 job, but unfortunately my husband isn't. I am confronted with guilt for making him work extra hard for the family and he wears it on responsibly with not a single breath of reproach. However, looking at him now with the increased wrinkles on his forehead pains me. Even though I don't earn that monthly income, I have never asked him money for any of my needs. I have my cake business which pays for the kids' and my cravings. I have never imposed on him financially and hopefully I would never have to. As financially independent as I may be, guilt still reigns in my entire system and it sucks!

The new job he recently took on has been making him work triple hard. He reaches home around 10pm daily and goes out again at 7am. Work at his office seems to breed uncontrollably with him posed as coordinators for four courses plus the 17hours of teaching and not to mention his on going Masters degree which he is having difficulties concentrating on. And trust me, that is just the tip of the iceberg. He has not only lost weight but also time with us, that vigour, that smile, that twinkle in his eyes which used to indicate his optimism. My better half is unhappy and I am a probable cause to it.

It's Saturday today and the time just clocked 11.00pm. He is still at the office complying to the work the boss ordered him to do which could have been delegated more compassionately. I can't help but feel sorry for him. If I don't feel sorry for him, who will ? Nobody. And so with this guilt brewing in my chest I have accepted a few part time teaching jobs. Less caking people, there won't be much of cakey stories now, perhaps more on the anecdote of being a teacher again.
So, who wants to car pool with me? I'll bring cakes?
Cake ordered by the Boss. Thanks for the order Boss!

2 treats:

Sugar said...

*Sigh* we gotta do what we gotta do, hope everything will be smooth sailing for u kak! Kalau i kat KL, I volunteer to send you everyday, can eat ur cakes everyday .. haha!

Wiz said...

Waaa, that's so thoughtful of you Sugar! You will soooo be fed well if you are around here with lotsa sugar. I'm not in hiatus just trying to conform in my new schedules. But will be writing as soon as I've found my rythm. In the meantime do read my previous posts of all the musing and the ranting kayu of this old tree.(laughs)